at odds with my body
24.10.17 | 7:56 pm

i am overcome again with the desire to be on my own, in my own place, and at the same time, i'm aware that i will be cripplingly, startlingly lonely.

most of the time i feel okay now, but this week, i don't.


last night i skyped for two and a half hours with my lovely friend and we bonded, as always, over the idea that we have to do interesting things, things that people from home will find incredible. that's why i stayed in colorado for so long, right? (one of the reasons, anyway). that's why, when the friend i saw from high school said, "oh, you're still living in our hometown?" i immediately said, "uhm actually i just got back from three years in colorado, so."


i'm overcome with a strong desire to cook, but i'm more overcome with tiredness, with the lethargy the weather brings, with the heaviness of my head. i want to nourish my body but it feels a monumental task, something i can't fathom even starting with the first step.


i also associate cooking with matt, i realize. when i go to the grocery, memories of him and of food and of meals he made me (because truly, in his own way, he took care of me) come flooding back to me, hit me, make me emotional. i want to cook again, but with that in my head, in my heart, it's harder.


my new, customized planner came in today, and i've been tracking the package for days out of excitement. but when i unboxed it, it was so big and blank and beautiful that, again, it felt like too much of a task to even begin.


i'm going to go read hunger by roxane gay now. i want to read more people's thoughts on bodies and food and reconciling all of the bad feelings it all comes with.

i'm at odds with my body lately. my nose is incredibly red, perpetually red, and i feel swollen, full, as though i'm taking up too much space, as though people look at me with pity, as though no one will ever find me as worthy of love.

i know these things aren't true, intellectually.

but i'm consumed with the thoughts of how i need to change myself, how i must put this at the forefront, but how i'm so tired that after work today, i wanted to come in and sleep.


at the very least, i've single-handedly organized a halloween party for my family, and i'm looking forward to it.

there will always be good things.

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