this is the first day of my life~*~*
24.12.17 | 1:52 pm

last night, i was talking to a friend who doesn't know me very well, and they asked me why i'd had such a hard year.

i said i broke up with my boyfriend and moved home. it sucked even though i'd been trying to do it for two years.

"so you're just a jerk then."

"kind of, actually. he wouldn't followed me anywhere and it freaked me out."

"sigh. you're dumb."

"not dumb. just stupidly independent and terrified of stuff."

"i get that. i'm the same way."

and, you know, it's true. the more i think about it, the more i was a jerk.

everything i did, i still feel like i needed to do. i truthfully don't feel guilt or shame about it. but in a lot of cases, it was cruel.


i've been making a list of things i want to do in the new year. in 2018 as a whole.

2017 has been such a clusterfuck for me - i've needed to be constantly distracted, constantly moving in one way or another for it to feel bearable.

but it's time to start truly thinking toward the future and where i actually want to be.

and that's terrifying in and of itself. but i'll do it.

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