03.03.18 | 7:25 pm

i had to wait for my prescription to get filled today, so i was walking around walmart for 20ish minutes, just aimlessly looking at the home section. and i realized i haven't had to walk through that section since i was with matt. and i haven't thought about matt in months, truly - i haven't. but it made me so sad.

i had someone who loved me, no matter what i did - which was unhealthy in its own way. but he loved me. and he would come lie down with me when i needed to go to sleep, and he'd read with me, or just cuddle with me and warm me up until i fell asleep. and i just hold onto that memory so fiercely.

and the dude i met last weekend - i didn't realize it but he looks so much like matt. on his profile he doesn't at all. but in real life, he has glasses now, and his hair is dark and the same style matt's was when we started dating, and he just looks like him.

i feel like i'm destined to just do the same sort of thing over and over and over. i feel like i am never going to change or move forward. i am always going to get this knot in my stomach or sit in my bed on a saturday crying about stupid boys who liked me at some point and wishing i felt like i could talk about it more and just being so sad.

god, i've been feeling so much better lately. i really have. i promise.

this is a momentary setback.

we all make mistakes.

we all move on.

the avett brothers are coming to bg in september and sue and i are definitely gonna go, and i went to see how much the tickets would be (they aren't on sale yet), and i saw that the shows at red rocks - all three - are sold out already, and it made me think of when we went together, right after i came back from running away and breaking up with him that summer, and i told him, "please can we make this be a nice day," and then later he got mad at me and called me a piece of shit and i remember being so sad, and locking myself in the bathroom and sitting on the floor and crying. and we still went to the concert, and i basically didn't even talk to him until he'd bought me two glasses of wine. and we have a picture from that day where we look so happy, and i look so excited, but my heart was in pieces. my heart was always in pieces with him. always.

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