03.07.18 | 8:42 am

i feel like i should write about my two-week europe trip, try to pen down some of the happy moments i felt, but it's as though it's already too far away from me. perhaps i'll try again later.

truthfully, i feel as though i'm in a horrible place. i am having zero luck finding a place to live that is not my parents' basement. my body feels bogged down with stress, as though i am literally being pulled to the floor from the weight of it all.

today i was planning on going to louisville to meet up with three different men at different times. (as you can see, i am making questionable decisions.) my tarot card for the day, though, was the fool (reversed), warning against recklessness and urging me to take more time to heed the dangers surrounding me. what bullshit, am i right? (i'm not right.)

the fact that my stupid summer class starts tonight is the only thing that stopped me, for the record.

i have a headache from the wine i drank last night. (although to be fair, i had a headache before drinking the wine, so it could just be a continuation.)

what i should do today:
-keep looking for a place to live
-call about my mentoring plan
-work on the yearbook (maybe do 4 senior ads, for example)
-eat at some point
-cry if i need to (i need to)
-perhaps message fewer guys on tinder

i've also been experimenting with giving my snapchat to lots of men from tinder. unsurprisingly, this has led to being inundated with dick pics, but what can you do. (not give out your snapchat, probably.) i am in this space where i feel that i need the attention, that it's something little that will keep me going. it feels reckless more than anything.

i'm angry that this brandon guy i almost fucked before going to europe has ruined me because i want to make out with all of these stupid people but i want it to happen the same way it happened with him - feeling absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with him, solidly feeling like he won't murder me, and, most importantly, truly actually believing that he legitimately found me attractive. and it was so low pressure - not having sex was fine, we could make out, talk, do whatever... and it was fine. and the things he said to me (that would normally make me want to run away or cringe or laugh) i just actually believed for once.

and i know most of these encounters would not go like this.

and i just want to meet up with this stupid brandon guy again but now he's in lex and won't be back round til the 23rd.

i should be analyzing a bit harder why i feel that i need this kind of attention so much right now. but i don't think my brain can handle it. my brain can't handle a lot right now in general.

i want this summer to be as free as it was going to be in my mind. instead, i am bogged down by how much i should actually be doing (regardless of whether or not i'm doing it).

i've been doing the thing again where i think i'm going to choke on everything i eat. not every single thing, but some bites of food it's like my throat literally won't let it go down because it thinks i'm going to choke. i don't understand. my eye has been twitching something fierce too.

i don't know. this whole thing is a long droning on entry about how everything sucks.

i've been toying with the idea of trying to write every day (in the hopes of documenting the good as well as the bad). but i'm so boringggggggggg.

anyway. my brain hurts and my body hurts and my heart hurts so at least i'm all synced up.

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