when i start writing everything down, i REALLY start writing everything down. not necessarily sure it's good for me.
18.07.18 | 10:24 am

this is a really long, kind of stream-of-consciousness list about what's on my mind (this is how my brain has been working lately):

-i'm not allowed to bite anything with my front teeth. i've been drinking everything through a straw (which i actually really dislike). just now, i took a drink of my ice water, and the pain on my front teeth made me literally stop what i was doing. (when i'm better at drinking with a straw, it is better, i'm just bad at it.)

-i have to actually go in to work today (was supposed to go in at 10, but she rescheduled for 2, which i'm thankful for - i rolled around in bed until 9:30). i'm afraid she's going to yell at me for having so little finished. give me an actual deadline. i'll get it done.

-last night in my stupid online class, no one was answering the professor's stupid question, so i answered it, but i added on "my gut says" instead of just saying "i know this is the right fucking answer," because i DID know it was the right answer. so instead of telling me i was right (which i was), instead, he just said, "we research so we don't have to listen to our guts, tia," and ignored my actually correct answer. (that is, until someone else answered it... with my same answer...)

-i really used to enjoy my linguistics classes because we would analyze things like that - the fact that women are a million times more likely to kind of "pad" their responses to things because we're socialized to be polite (which really means you make your responses longer and longer with words like maybe / perhaps / i think / etc.) and to not just take outright credit for what we're doing. and my speech very much reflects that. i never want to outright say i know the correct answer to something. i'll say, "well, isn't it like this (according to this, this, and this)? doesn't that make sense, or am i wrong? i could be wrong, but i think that may be right," even when i know goddamn well that i'm right.

-what i'm saying is, i should've just said the goddamn answer and left it at that. why am i still so fired up about this? it was a 10 second occurrence. jesus.

-another thing i find really annoying about myself: i had a different professor for two classes last year, and every time i said something correctly, he actually praised me for it. now, i know myself pretty well - i could literally absolutely hate what i'm doing, but if someone gives me a measly compliment about how well i'm doing it, my entire mindset just flips.

-in addition, ever since this tooth thing happened on sunday (jesus, it was only sunday?), i've been (i think understandably) really, really sensitive. i just want people to tell me they like me or tell me i'm cute or something. i'm starving for niceness.

-i'm still embarrassed by my first real thoughts after the tooth thing actually happened, but i guess i'll get into that later. probably not.

-tinder has been really annoying lately. more than likely it is time to take a break. again: mostly caused by the tooth thing.

-okay, maybe i will get into it: my first thought was, "no one will ever love me or want to kiss me ever again and i'm going to be alone forever because i'm ugly now." i hate myself and my stupid brain.

-back to tinder: actually, no. it's just exhausting. i really just want someone to be nice to me. i don't know. i want someone who just wants to talk to me and lie down with me.

-i keep trying to find a place to live, but the places that are open are next to a bunch of meth heads (seriously, this county has a really bad problem with meth - my brother just got out of rehab for it!), and the ones that are nice don't allow pets. what if i am stuck in the basement forever? just writing that hurts my heart. especially since it's incredibly likely i'll be out about $3,000-5,000 before the end of the year (thanks, teeth!).

-it's a bright, beautiful day outside, but i've been listening to ruminations, which is strictly a rainy day kind of album for me. it reminds me of february, sitting at the table, grading papers and texting a boy i thought was going to be full of promise. how excited i was, thinking that this clever person was actually interested in me, that he actually liked me.

-like i said: extra sensitive lately.

-honestly, these stupid dashes are useless. i'm just using them as paragraph breaks. why?

-i so badly want my own space. i want to actually be alone. at the beginning of the summer, i was filled with so much hope about this. so much. and i feel so deflated.

-this isn't helping with the sensitiveness, but this little concert is lovely. i only really, really love the first four songs:

-i guess i'm going to go shave my legs and go to work.

-last thing: i know i said i needed to stop thinking about the universe at work, but in my brain, the tooth thing happened to me because i was getting too comfortable with myself and i was liking myself too much. now, now, i know it's bullshit, i know it's not true, but it's still in the back of my head, because it really has taken me down a peg. (several pegs, actually.)

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