riches and wonders
23.07.18 | 8:26 pm

all day today has felt strained. exhausted from the time i woke up.

baby tate was here, which was a nice surprise. i wonder how long i will be allowed to refer to him as baby tate. i feel he's going to be such a sweet, soft-spoken child. he is scared of many things (just like his dad, my brother, was when he was small). when this happens, he will grab my legs and bury his face in them. i find it incredibly endearing. he will also just relax into my arms when i hold him. sometimes he falls asleep, as children are wont to do. the way my heart swells...

it is strange how perfectly a baby fits on your hip. how right that feels.

i guess i've been thinking about this a lot lately.

i don't believe that tarot predicts the future, but i do believe that your reaction to the spread can tell you a lot about yourself. when the last love spread i did brought up "the empress" as how my next relationship will affect me, my first urge was to stop dating altogether. the empress card indicates motherhood.

i'd been lamenting for so long the terrible tarot spreads i was getting about how my next relationship would be with a horrible person with horrible effects to my psyche. but what it allowed me to do is throw my dating rules out the window because, in my brain, who cared? the next relationship would suck, so why put in any effort? in reality, i needed that in order to feel as though i could act so carelessly. i needed some kind of reason that would keep me from feeling bad about myself for simply wanting to fuck.

(there's a whole lot to get into there, but i won't for now.)

the fact that that tarot spread was actually positive gave me a lot of pause. if, theoretically, my next real relationship were with a lovely person and we would end up with a baby... i would have to care more. i would have to try harder. i would have to be, quite simply, kinder in my choices.

and that, to me, is terrifying.

i am twenty-eight. as i write that right now, it feels incredibly young. it feels as though what i should be doing is what i seemed to want: messing around with whomever i feel like.

most of the time, i feel the draw toward an actual relationship - toward someone who would actually enjoy my company and vice versa. i would truly love to go on an actual date, to feel that sweet nervousness of hoping someone likes you.

but the truth is that i am really scared of feeling trapped again. of wanting something to work out so badly that i stay despite how miserable i feel. of feeling like i should "take what i can get" when someone is actually nice to me.


as it stands, just like this time last year, i am in the last place i want to be. stuck. trapped in my own way, and by my own fault. again.


i am healthy, i am whole, but i have poor impulse control.
and i want to go home.
but i am home.

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