i am a mess.
23.08.18 | 11:35 am

i've stayed home sick today. woke feeling as though my face was on fire and feeling as though i'd puke. neither has happened.

i've started a new twitter account and have only two followers (and it will stay that way). i kept feeling as though i needed another place to shout off into the void.

typically, this is actually very unhealthy for me. it's a way for me to get my emotions out without having to make a connection or explain anything or actually have to talk to someone about what's on my mind. (kind of like this space - though i do feel more of a connection here.) sure, sometimes i'll get in a groove and send a very obnoxiously long string of text messages about whatever's on my mind - but it's so hard for me to do that. ridiculously hard. and sending those one-offs across the internet, well, i don't have to set up the connection, i don't have to be disappointed by how someone responds. and i typically only use it when my brain is really going off the rails.

that's how i feel now.

i should be using this day off (sick or not) to do work, but i've just finished my rewatch of love sick (highly recommend) and thinking about opening my work email or writing a list of what i need to do feels so overwhelming that i want to cry.

i've gone back into the mindset of terribly not wanting to be here anymore (in terms of location). i get frustrated when someone doesn't pull the shower curtain back out when they've finished. i get frustrated when there are dirty clothes on the stairs. i get frustrated when someone moves something or takes something from my room.

i ache for a place to call my own.

but here, i'd be so lonely. i think the loneliness would consume me, truly.

if i were living in a place where i could have dinner for a couple of hours with a friend on a tuesday night, my headspace would be a much more peaceful place. amazing, really, what that can do.

i keep talking about applying to this program to teach english in france, and i've got several windows open on my browser about french tutors and lessons, but taking any step more forward than that feels impossible.

i want a different way to wear my eyeliner. i want to care again about the clothes i wear like i did in grad school. i took so much pride, actually, in looking cute and cozy that last year. i want that again.

in my head, the things i need to do keep piling up and up and up forever and ever. writing them down makes them real and that's terrifying.

i've been walking emma every day and doing yoga every day and running every other day again to try to help this but... it hasn't.

i need to get my root canals and i want to go back to the chiropractor and i need a massage and i wish i could go to therapy. i would clam up, though, wouldn't i.

i found out what my moon sign is. i don't think i've talked about that, but it makes a lot (a lot) of sense to me. aquarius sun, libra moon. two air signs. i can't nail down my rising sign exactly because i don't know my actual birth time (it's between the span of two hours, but my rising sign could be three different things based on that). i need so much space and so much freedom but i'm so desperate for a partnership, for that connection i keep running away from and avoiding.

it's weird how difficult *not* dating is. what it's done is made me realize how much i crave outside validation. please, tell me how smart and pretty and funny and cute and wonderful i am, world. i need it. regardless of how much i already believe it.

my date with mish was so weird because he kept telling me so many nice things about myself. (granted, looking back, he was overcompensating, knowing what i know now.) what's weird is that i loved it, because i really liked him. i normally detest this - if someone on a date tells me i look nice, i'll say thanks - i'll not say it back because i don't like empty compliments just because i'my expected to give one - in fact, actually, it's really hard for me to give compliments to the people i'm interested in or dating because... i don't know why.

all of this is why i want to go to therapy. ha ha ha.

this whole thing is a mess.

everything is a mess.

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