basically a long list of why my feelings are hurt today
23.09.18 | 6:29 pm

i just got back from rockford, illinois, visiting kayley, which means i drove 15 hours since 3:30pm friday. my brain is so tired and the circles under my eyes are so deep.

and i listened to an episode of this is actually happening about this kid, this 23-year-old named izzy whalen, and how he had these psychotic breaks, and how he ended up killing himself, and they didn't find his body for three weeks, and it's just been on my mind all day now and i keep researching everything i can about it online because this happens to me sometimes.

and i'm going to have a new niece or nephew in like seven months, we found out today, but i wasn't here, and no one thought to call me or text me. i got home and my mom was like, "oh, by the way, here's this really important news no one filled you in on" but it's literally ALWAYS like this and i am ALWAYS the last to know and i think it stems from the fact that no matter what i do, i am fundamentally different from my family, and they know that - they've always known that - and it has always caused me to be a little bit more of an outsider. my feelings are so hurt because it is always like this, no matter how much i try to have everyone come over and be together and host these dumb parties and make these dumb halloween contest trophies and talk in the group chat, it doesn't ever feel like it really matters because they all know i'm different and it's a different that they don't like and they feel like they can't get along with me as well, even when i'm insisting we don't talk about politics or anything.

god, i sound like a goddamn thirteen-year-old.

kayley and i got to see the new musical version of tootsie in chicago this weekend and it was amazing. santino fontana was in it and i love him, mostly because greg in crazy ex girlfriend is (regrettably) my aesthetic when it comes to people i'm into.

and my dating break is technically over next weekend, but i'm going on vacation after that so it'll probably take an extra week before i move into turning any apps back on.

i texted a friend earlier today about how i am feeling so much better about dating now, more optimistic, like good things are coming, and she said "that's so awesome!" but it was a shitty reply because that's literally the only things she's been replying to me lately. "that's so awesome!" "cool!" "that's great!" even when i try really hard to listen to her and be there for her. anytime i bring up something about myself, it's like i've done something wrong, and she won't respond properly, and it hurts my feelings.

i get so tired of feeling like i try so hard just to get so little in return. again, this is probably all just because i am so tired right now - i could go to sleep right now and it's 6:30.

at least this is the last week before fall break. i'll see the avett brothers again with sue on saturday (which i'm massively looking forward to), and then i'll go to nashville with brittany and rj the next day, and then monday i'll fly to charleston and have a few days there before we drive back.

i haven't been drinking much, but i had a glass of wine before the show and it gave me a terrible headache. that's what has been happening when i drink, so i never want to drink. but it was only one glass! seems unfair.

even i can't follow this train of thought.

i guess i'll text kelsey back since my mom obviously texted her and told her my feelings were hurt and then they sent the text to tell me. they never would've done that on their own. i know that's true. and so does everyone else.

i really do try. i promise i do.

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