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25.11.18 | 7:39 pm

over the past few days, i have continually opened up this little box to write and stared at the blankness before closing it out again.

i think it must be the weather -- the darkness and the cold -- that puts me in this negative state. i feel unloved, and worse, unlovable. neither of those things are actually true, and i can recognize that. but i want to burn all my clothes and buy new ones, i want to keep myself from eating for three days, i want to do whatever it will take to make myself to desirable to someone else, at some point, any point.

i hate when my brain thinks like this.

today is the fourth time plans with fernando have fallen through. i will give this one more go, and if it doesn't happen after that, then i'll hate on how stupid former me was for essentially a month.

i have been scouring netflix for thirty minutes for a "stupid feel-good movie" but i can't decide on anything because, when it comes down to it, i detest watching movies by myself. that's all.

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