what's new pussycat, ohhhhhh ohhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
03.01.19 | 5:22 pm

i've been randomly checking matt's facebook a lot because i have this weird fear that he will die and no one will let me know, and i'll have to find out by going to his facebook, and i won't do that until weeks or months later. i don't know where that fear comes from. it's (mostly) irrational.

checking his facebook is basically the equivalent of how, when i was a child, and my little brothers were sleeping, i'd put my finger under their noses just to make sure they were still breathing.

probably (definitely) related to my weird death anxiety that has, admittedly, improved recently. but still.

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i've been having some trouble sleeping. the other night, i woke up at 2am and could not fall back to sleep. the night after, i slept, but fitfully, and i woke up a couple of times during the night, kind of shocked awake, thinking that it would be 2am, and again, i wouldn't be able to sleep.

ever since the summer i broke up with matt and came home, i am terrified of having poor sleep. that summer, for about a straight six weeks, i would not sleep one night, and sleep twelve hours the next. and it was miserable. and dangerous. and exhausting.

i just really, really, really don't want to go through something like that again. and i'm afraid that having poor sleep is really just a shining example of whatever poor mental state i happen to be in, and i don't want to be in some kind of poor mental state, so essentially, none of this can happen, the end.

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i guess i am meeting two dudes this week for coffee. one is at a cat cafe because why the hell not. the other dude compliments me a lot and like, sure. but eh.

i truly feel nothing for either of them, so. that's probably for the best, actually.

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returning texts feels hard right now. i just want to eat cinnamon toast crunch and read wuthering heights.

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