i surely won’t be like this forever
15.01.19 | 9:14 pm

the capable feeling wears off quickly. it’s dark, it’s cold outside, it’s too warm in here, i’m sore, every bone in my body cracks every time i move.

i’ve cried a bit today and essentially blamed it on that new show, sex education.

most of the time, especially internally, i rail against the things i want most.:

“i don’t actually need someone to love. so many people don’t even stay together. and who knows about kids? i’m probably too selfish anyway. and i’m only twenty-eight. this is all years away.”

and it is years away.

but tonight that terrifies me.

if i can say it anywhere, i suppose it would have to be here:

i really do want to get married someday. and i want to have a kid or two. and i want the person i marry to be a phenomenal dad, probably better than i would be as a mom.

(already, instinctually, as i write this, my mind is going: but really, you’d feel trapped. someone would love you so much that it would scare you and make you want to run away. this is your nightmare.)

it may be time, while i’m alone, to start tackling some intimacy issues.

<< | >>