i surely won’t be like this forever
15.01.19 | 9:14 pm

the capable feeling wears off quickly. it’s dark, it’s cold outside, it’s too warm in here, i’m sore, every bone in my body cracks every time i move.

i’ve cried a bit today and essentially blamed it on that new show, sex education.

most of the time, especially internally, i rail against the things i want most.:

“i don’t actually need someone to love. so many people don’t even stay together. and who knows about kids? i’m probably too selfish anyway. and i’m only twenty-eight. this is all years away.”

and it is years away.

but tonight that terrifies me.

if i can say it anywhere, i suppose it would have to be here:

i really do want to get married someday. and i want to have a kid or two. and i want the person i marry to be a phenomenal dad, probably better than i would be as a mom.

(already, instinctually, as i write this, my mind is going: but really, you’d feel trapped. someone would love you so much that it would scare you and make you want to run away. this is your nightmare.)

—

it may be time, while i’m alone, to start tackling some intimacy issues.

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