31.01.19 | 4:49 pm

i've been obsessively listening to in the heights, the only music i will respond to.

almost every song catches in my throat, makes me weepy. and it reminds me of when i first started listening to hamilton, in march of 2017, when kayley came to colorado to visit and forced me to listen to it in its entirety (which, honestly, is the best way to get me to do something, even something i know i'm going to love -- be there with me and digest the entire thing with me [this makes me think perhaps i need people too much]).

after she left, after i went back to work, i listened to it every. single. day. and i would cry listening to it on the way to work. and i would cry listening to it on the way back home.

all because i knew how miserable i was, and it made it clearer that there were so many other opportunities, so many other things i could be doing. and it made it clear, somehow, that i didn't have to stay.

and now, listening to in the heights, i feel the urge, again, to leave. i feel the urge to have a different life, to do more exciting things, meet interesting people, learn more languages. and it doesn't feel like a burden -- it feels more free.


if i don't get this fulbright, maybe i'll just go to france for a month this summer. why the hell not.

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