a weird way to start february
02.02.19 | 12:49 pm

they touch me - my hand, my warm cheek, my knee - and i feel nothing. and yet i continue, i let them touch me, i reciprocate.

all the while, i feel nothing. no excitement, no butterflies, no pleasure. just a sense of duty, just a sense of this is what they want, this is why i'm here, this is what i should do.

it's not my company you actually want.

how lonely it is, to recognize this.

i get nothing, absolutely nothing, in return. nothing except an anxiety-ridden mind the next day, a mind that won't stop whirling and whirling with the same thoughts:

--

there is nothing there for me

there is nothing there for me

there is nothing there for me

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