this february is exhausting
15.02.19 | 5:51 pm

last night, a boy who i had said i'd go on a date with and then freaked out and did not text afterward messaged me. and he said he was sorry he rushed into asking me out, and he understood, and if i did want to see him, i could let him know.

it is sad how shocked i was by that kindness.

dating really desensitizes you to people. you make snap judgments based on appearance, based on their opener, based on a one-off that they said. they cease being real.

this morning, chris texted me apologizing about how he has treated me in the past -- what i wrote this about. and that, too, was kind, and it made me want to cry (even though this is like, literally the third time this thing has happened).

i want to be better at dating. i want to approach people with more kindness. i want to approach them knowing and understanding that they are fully-formed people with thoughts and feelings and to actually act that way. you know, to be a decent human being.

--

all this is to say, that i messaged you, and i feel very good about my decision, about our conversation, and i feel so much more at peace. so much lighter in the midst of this dark, heavy month.

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