at age 29
27.02.19 | 7:02 pm
-at age 29, i no longer stare at myself in the mirror for hours, picking at every single imperfection, sucking in my stomach to where i'd like it to be, berating how i look and how it's all my fault that i'm disgusting (because, frankly, i'm not disgusting, i'm pretty cute)
-at age 29, i know myself well enough to (generally) understand how and why i am reacting to something, and i know myself well enough to (generally) know what to do in order to feel better (even if it means wallowing in the negative feelings for a while)
-at age 29, i have gotten a lot better at balancing the amount i work with the amount i spend living my life (this i could still work on, but it has certainly improved from when i held three jobs just to make huge student loan payments and to feel like i was worth something)
--
i did everything "right" today (ate well, was outside walking emma for an hour, did a half hour of yoga), but i'm still tired and down and sad. somehow in that mood where i'm convinced i'll be alone forever. but at age 29, i know this will pass. i will sleep well and wake up tomorrow and it will be a new day.
i was thinking briefly of that span of two days when i had convinced myself fernando would never talk to me again - the first day where it was as though i felt nothing at all, the second day where i cried for three hours straight and felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest.
i don't like or appreciate feeling things that deeply. like when i lived in colorado and had such bad anxiety that i was nearly having pseudo panic attacks (at least now i think that's what they were) every week and bursting at the seams. and then when i broke up with matt and how i was literally in physical pain every day, it hurt so badly.
currently, i actually feel a lot more leveled out, able to take a step back, able to breathe.
--
i am seeing will for a second time on sunday and the biggest worry i have is that i don't come across very well over text, that maybe i seem overbearing or snarky when i'm actually just excited or trying to be funny. but it's not the same type of worry i've had before. it doesn't consume me. it just is, momentarily, and it passes.
that feels good, that change. it feels promising.
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a really dumb thing i am conscious of is how many of my paragraphs here start with "i," as though it's not my own god damn diary where i am allowed to just write about myself.
sigh.
--
i'm currently in a space where it feels very hard to connect with people, to feel as though it's okay to reach out with these thoughts i'm having. so instead of bottling them up, i am doing the healthy thing and writing them down, because at age 29, i know that this feeling and these times will pass.
someday soon, the weather will warm up and the sun will be shining, and i'll be aching to spend my time outside, the sun beaming down on my body, filling me with energy.
thank god.