thoughts on food and my body
17.03.19 | 11:46 am

i decided last week that i should be tracking my food again. this is something that i've shied away from for... years.

the last time i diligently tracked food was when i lost twenty pounds in grad school. it worked, but it was obsessive. i was constantly thinking about what i was eating and what i would eat next and how much i was exercising that day (usually 2+ hours per day).

i had been feeling rather confident for a while in that i wasn't actively hating my body. so i thought it might be a safe time to try tracking again in an effort to eat healthier.

i downloaded an app where you took a picture of what you ate and then declared it "on track" or "off track." you could answer questions about why you ate, how it made you feel, etc., as well.

that seemed fine.

until it wasn't.

every time i ate something "off track," i mentally berated myself. "this is why your body is so disgusting. your lack of conviction is sickening. this is why you're not -- and never will be -- good enough." those thoughts that you know aren't true, but that you can't stop.

and so i felt horrible about myself for the entire last week.

i stopped using the app.


little mini-spirals like this one make me unsure of what my next steps should be.

but i did run a mile for the first time in months today.

and this morning, when i woke up and stretched my arms to the sky, the crop top sweatshirt i wore to bed revealed my soft tummy, and i loved it.


we all have things that are just always going to be hard for us.

and this is one for me.

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