me whining, basically
24.03.19 | 4:10 pm
i don't really know where this sudden obsession again with how i look (and how disgusting i am) has come from. for months -- truly, months -- i felt so much better about myself. not all the time, by any means. but significantly, noticeably better.
and now... it feels like that has all disappeared.
not sure if it has something to do with the apparent disappearance of will. i mostly think not, because i am really not that bothered by it, except that i want someone to tell me i'm cute, i guess. not that he really did that. it was implied, maybe.
i don't know. it feels like so many steps backward.
so many goddamn steps backward.
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today was my sister-in-law's baby shower for her second baby (a girl this time), and last night, my aunt (essentially another sister-in-law) revealed that she is also three months pregnant.
this is so lovely, so so so exciting.
and yet. and yet, the joke is that i'll be the last one to ever have a kid. that i'll never be able to compromise enough to be in a relationship again. that i'll be the cool aunt who is always and forever alone. "joke."
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i was once a person who could recognize this mood i'm in and say, "okay, i should go for a run. i should do yoga. i should go for a walk. all of these things will ease my mind."
but now, today, i recognize this foul mood, and i say, "i will eat everything and not move from this bed."
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frankly: i am tired of being alone. and i know it's silly to say, and i know that if i had someone, i'd probably want to be alone, because that's how i'm wired. but i'm getting a root canal and two temporary crowns tomorrow, and i just wish i had someone who would lie in bed with me and stroke my hair while we watch tv until i fall asleep.