07.04.19 | 7:29 pm

last night, i drank wine by myself and cried for four hours.

today, i have finished watching one day at a time and estimate that i've cried for at least two hours.

sometimes i am afraid to say things like this because i am worried that people will assume they know where it all came from. for example, if my friends were aware that i spent the night with fernando again, they would assume that this is all from that encounter, that i purposefully put myself into that situation and that this is the fallout.

but that's not what it is. because i know that fernando and i won't be together. i know that's not what our situation is. and that's perfectly okay.

but it also reminds me of what i actually want: someone who will take me out to dinner and let me drink three glasses of wine, who will sit on the couch and watch tv with me, put his arm around me, scratch my head that way he does -- but then let me fall asleep there.

i cried so hard last night that i had a mountain of tissues on my night stand.

my mental state right now is not very good. part of that, i know, is because i am finishing up spring break, and quite frankly, i have too much time on my hands. plus, living in the middle of nowhere with too much time = feelings of incredible restlessness, of needing to get away, of being terribly perturbed when those things don't work out the way i want them to.

--normally, i really actually am pretty okay with where i am (dating wise). i stopped expecting anything from the dating apps and it's tiring to even look at them.

but the fact is (as per my drunken iphone note at 1:54am last night) that i want a life that i currently don't and can't have. i want to be able to have dinner with friends on weekdays, go to trivia, go barhopping on the weekends and wake up and go to yoga. i want a boyfriend who will put his arm around me and let me lay my head on his just at any time, not just after we've had sex.

everything feels so very, very, very far away for me.

i can accept the fact that no one will want to actually date me while i live here. (probably for a lot of other reasons, sure, but this is a big one.) i can accept the fact that, at the most, i can have random boys i've talked to in the past text me to hang out once every couple of months.

is it fulfilling? no, not really.

but i guess, in a way, it is something. a substitute.

when i was sitting on the couch before we went out to eat, he so nonchalantly asked me, "where are we going?" as he was putting on his socks and shoes. as though we'd done this a million times before, his hair still wet from his shower. and that is what i miss. that is what i want: the closeness, the connection, the routine.

sometimes i truly don't know if i have it in me to deeply, selflessly love another person. i look at the relationships i have with my family members -- people i love, and who love me -- but we don't know each other deeply. we don't talk to each other about our problems.

i don't know if i'm truly able to be close with other people. there is so much i hold back.

even when i was with matt.

it's like i can't emotionally engage with very many people at all. maybe that's what it's like for everyone, i don't know. it makes me feel immensely guilty, the idea that my family doesn't know how much i care about them. it makes me feel horrible that i'm not the kind of person who shares my life with them in some deep, profound way.

i have five brothers, and i'm so unlike most of them. it is hard for us to connect. and sometimes i think about what if i died? would they feel bad about that? would they even really remember me? i mean, would it really impact them?

i know those things are horrible to even think about.


this all feels really self-indulgent. really stupid, honestly.

i don't know why i can't just feel my feelings without criticizing them or myself.


i need to stop.

i'm in that space where i just feel... empty. and i don't like being in this place.

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