self-worth and value
14.04.19 | 5:48 pm
it made me realize that i judge my self-worth by how "special" i am -- and this mostly lives in the realm of being "smart." relatedly, i have to be good at my job (whatever that may be) in order to feel like i am a baseline decent human being.
the podcast later said something that resonated with me: the fact that i am able to do something immediately devalues the work. the fact that i am about to have two master's degrees -- the fact that i was able to do that -- immediately makes it feel worthless to me. if i can do it, then anyone can, and therefore, it is no longer special.
all this business with the fulbright -- i had already convinced myself that if i did get it, it would be because i am probably older than a lot of the semifinalists, and have had more similar work experience, so, again, it would immediately be devalued.
and don't get me started on the way that i unfortunately view the regular program that i have decided i am doing.
finally, it was talking about which version of their past self they loved the most. and mine is still, always, twenty-four-year-old tia, who was in grad school the first time, studying something she absolutely adored, single (and, generally, rather okay about it [i mean i was obsessed with matt, but that's a different story]), living with her best friends, right down the road from her school group, actively hanging out and being social every day, running all the time, doing yoga every single night, and starting her teaching career. and there are so many aspects about that version of myself that i want to grow back to.
--
the other day, when fernando and i were at the cuban restaurant, he was speaking to the waiter in spanish and we started talking about languages. i told him how much i love learning languages and learning about them, but i'm so bad at speaking them because there is a huge part of me that hates seeming stupid in any way. (and honestly, part of learning a language is feeling really dumb and not completely understanding what other people are saying and it is so hard for me to let go and just try).
and he just kept asking me, "why?"
and eventually, i landed on this answer:
"because... that's what i have to offer to the world."
that's what it has always felt like.
true or not.