this is probably a bit of a mess
29.04.19 | 8:14 pm

i am having a lot of feelings today.

let me start out with the really good things that happened today.


1. my niece, sutton, was born today right before 1pm. she is actually a rather cute baby. (most babies look like ugly little aliens.) i got to leave work early to go see her.


2. i received a message from fabián today. he was my teaching mentor when i was in grad school, and he is the person i think of when i think of the perfect family person. he loves his family so much, and he's such a good father and husband, and he's such a good teacher. he really makes you feel like he cares about you. it's very clear. it's a skill that i envy.

anyway, he sent a message to me and the two other people who were being mentored by him at the same time. and he said, "i wanted to let the three of you know that i'm thinking of you." after we responded, he said, "this is the time of the year when you three stepped up to the plate when my father died and well, you were so instrumental in helping me get through it, whether you realize it or not."

we really don't think enough about how we impact people.

even though i worked so closely with him for a year, i would still sometimes wonder and worry that he'd forget who i am, because why remember? but then you get messages like that.


all of this -- i was in bg, where i went to grad school, i was listening to my college/grad school playlist -- all of this made me feel so fully and happy but so... hollow.

i think i've devolved back into a state where nothing i do is ever good enough. for example: because i was in bg, seeing the baby, i didn't get to walk my dog or watch jeopardy with my dad and my brother, and because of that, i am a terrible human.

so no matter how many good things happen to me or around me, i feel... empty.


not to mention, for a whole week i felt so fine and chill and final re: fernando. i thought, okay, this is over, and it needed to be, and that's a good thing.

but then a week passes and all of a sudden he's invaded my brain again. i constantly imagine having conversations with him, explaining my side of things, "winning" some sort of... prize (?) (play dumb games, win dumb prizes) if he suddenly decided he actually liked me. i don't know.

i still can't explain why i felt so weirdly connected to him, like something was "meant to happen" between us. those kinds of feelings are -- i think, for me -- bullshit. and i used those feelings to continue to put myself in a situation that i knew wouldn't end the way i wanted it to.


this all made me think of mish again. he's been on my mind a bit recently.

i still can't get over how he looked at me. how obvious it was that he thought i was such a goddamn catch. the way he said i was gorgeous, over and over again -- something i normally loathe, but he was so goddamn convincing that i loved it. the way he exclaimed how much he loved my thighs.

these are things no one else had ever done to/for me before. i had never felt so... i don't know. attractive? irresistible? worth it?

and then my mind goes back to: well, he was married. of course he was so into you. anything, anyone would have been better than his wife.

but i don't actually believe that.

again, i just felt so... connected to him. in a strange way. it's entirely possible that his being married is a lot at play there. but i don't think it's the entire reason he acted that way.

i think he really did actually like me. (and it's probably better for my brain and my heart to continue to think that, too.)

but who can say?


and then... and then i thought a lot about matt.

a song from the playlist came on, and it reminded me of when we lived near fiddler's green. we were walking the dogs (and playing pokemon go... it was the summer of 2016), so we were walking for about two hours, and on the walk, we were going past the venue. and standing outside, we could hear them playing -- could hear songs i knew, songs i loved, just out of reach.

there was a reddit thread i read recently that asked, what was the moment when you knew you weren't with the right person?

and honestly... there were so many for me.

but i remember how i had wanted to buy tickets for that concert, but didn't, because matt would be working.

yet there we were.

a small thing. a small thing. so, so, so many small things.


i don't know why, no matter what, i just continue feeling so hollow. i just want to sleep.

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