tired tuesday night
07.05.19 | 8:32 pm

the frogs outside my window are so loud at night that, the other evening, i had to get out of bed and check the door, thinking that if they were this loud, i must have somehow forgotten to close it.


my favorite thing, perhaps in the world, is when emma finally gives in and fully relaxes against my body, sighing, feeling calm, i think, and protected.


it was the moment, so long ago, when i said, "i want to see you again," and you said, "but...", waiting for my indication that i couldn't. after i said, "no buts. i just want to see you again," you seemed so surprised, so caught off guard, so... happy.

it gave me hope while i kissed you goodbye.

a misguided hope, perhaps. but hope nonetheless.


sometimes i wonder how other people see the moments that we see. did he find that moment hopeful? was he as excited as i was? or was it simply something cute and funny to say?


perhaps i've been thinking so much about people from the past because it seems so useless to focus on anyone in the present. this entire year (so far), i've been on... two and a half dates with one person, and perhaps a half date with another. it's exhausting, trying to consider other people, trying to plan around schedules and distance. even the idea of getting to know someone feels overwhelming, too much to do, too much effort to put in.

so instead, i mull over the past. i think about how perfect together alexander and i seemed we could be, how mish made me feel truly worth someone's time in a matter of hours, how i was so convinced that fernando and i had some sort of connection that was meant to continue.

how much of any of those thoughts, those feelings, were actually reciprocated?

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