i could fall asleep right now
25.06.19 | 3:01 pm
when i'm feeling more mature, i think that. i think of the fact that i am so fortunate to have as much as i have in my life and that it has all come -- truthfully -- relatively easy for me.
but on the days when i'm feeling less mature... it's the only thing that seems worth focusing on. and i would like to get away from that mindset. i'm just not sure how.
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i feel fine after last night, after the last two nights actually, but something i understand about myself is that my brain is obsessive: i will keep thinking through it, over-analyzing every little touch or comment or smile, until i start wondering when i'll hear from him next (certainly not this week, most likely not even this month) and despairing when i haven't (even though i know not to expect it). and to take it further (like a true enneagram four), i'll type shit like that hoping that my life will be movie-enough-like that, on the contrary, he'll contact me tonight (what a trope).
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it's weird to be in this in-between state and to know that, essentially, i'll be in this state for nearly an entire year. i want to be unencumbered and free while i'm living in france. i don't want to be beholden to anyone (really ever, which is part of my problem). but part of me just incessantly searches for that kind of connection, needs that feeling of a partnership in order to feel whole. i want someone to want me. (i blame this bullshit on my libra moon.)
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i drove out and spent the night with a boy named tanay on sunday. he fed me traditional indian food his mother made for him before his parents flew back home and he took me to target and happily walked around with me until we returned back to his massive house where we drank his wine and went to bed early. he's sweet. some people are sweet, and it's nice to remember that.
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i think i might drink wine and do my tarot tonight. my entire body is sore and exhausted from barely sleeping the past two nights. (as i get older, it becomes harder and harder to sleep anywhere other than my own bed.) sometimes i truly wonder why i push myself like this -- drive and drive and drive and never sit still. it's tiring. brain and body both.