i literally want to fall asleep at 6pm every night
27.06.19 | 5:54 pm
"today and tomorrow, your love life is changing. it may help you to strengthen your relationship with solitude. figure out the one thing you want most right now. search your imagination as well as your intellect. then go ahead and pursue it."
my love life is changing: i purposefully threw a wrench into my own plans, and now i'm pining again -- what is it with the pining? do i just subconsciously like the drama of it?
strengthen my relationship with solitude: feel more comfortable being alone. (so i didn't drive up to hang out with some random guy today. i'm home alone, where i will drink wine and watch part two of the debate.)
figure out the thing i want most right now: the thing i want most is something that i can't have. so, that's unhelpful. but i can recognize it.
go ahead and pursue it: no. that's a dumb idea, and i know it.
--
i spent the day with my two nieces. we went to the movies, to target, to the mall, to fazoli's. i bought them rings and shirts. they swam in the pool. we sang the songs from mamma mia on the drive. and it was lovely.
but the whole time, in the back of my mind, i'm thinking: i wish this person would text me and ask me to go see the movie that i really want to go see. but it's not going to happen, and i know that.
i really do.
this whole week, i have been so exhausted, and, it turns out, so sad.