i hate summer
03.07.19 | 9:05 am

everyone just wants to automatically jump to the part that they want, the part that they are here for. it's exhausting when what you actually want is: connection. conversation.


last night, i dreamt you stayed over but you were cold in my basement, shivering under your sweatshirt. so i wrapped my arms around you to keep you warm. i woke up sweating everywhere and miserable.


some days, being in this town, in this house, is excruciating. each day is like watching my life pass me by. anything i want to do, anyone i want to see, is at least an hour's drive away, so when i stay here, i do... nothing. i watch tv. i stare at my phone. i read reddit for hours.

in order to feel like my life is worth living, i need to get out of the house and feel a connection with another human being each day. i wish i could drive ten minutes and be sitting on a friend's couch, or drive ten minutes and be browsing a book store, or drive ten minutes and meet someone at a coffee shop.


the other part of this is, even when i do do something, it feels like accomplishing nothing. so i may get up, walk emma, run, do yoga, shower, go grocery shopping, cook, read a book, etc. but that feels like i've done nothing.

i'm too hard on myself.


it's over a week later, but still there are remnants of the bruises you left on my skin. ugly now, dark yellow, blood red spots in between.

part of it is my brain creating some kind of narrative that actually doesn't exist, as though i live in a movie and this is all part of the big lead-up to the climax. but it's not. and i hate that my brain makes me think that way.

no one actually wants anything of substance from me.

it's just... tiring.

<< | >>