18.07.19 | 4:05 pm

a month or so ago, i was excitedly looking forward to this weekend to actually have the house to myself. i imagined myself having people over, one boy in particular, in addition to the possibility of a pool party. (how teenage do i sound?)

but a couple of weeks ago, i stopped dating all together. it felt useless. any desire i had to be touched disappeared. my feelings were becoming too easily hurt. and it's like i finally realized that the few people i was interested in did not, and never really did, feel the same way about me. and it was stupid to continue to think about it. honestly.

i still invited friends over this weekend, but i know that no one is going to show up.

and so i will be alone.

(which isn't the worst thing in the world. it's just not what i wanted.)

tomorrow i will probably drink wine and binge watch the new season of queer eye. maybe i'll read, or do yoga, or continue talking to a bunch of boys overseas in french.


the worst thing is this:

i put so much effort into seeing other people because it's so important to me. i know i live in the middle of nowhere. i know i live with my family. so i drive. and drive. and drive. (literally up to SEVEN HOURS, although it's normally 1-3.) and i make time, and i see people, and i return exhausted and sad that i'm no longer with them.

the very worst thing is recognizing that people do not, or will not, extend the same to me. and they haven't for the entire two years i've been back.

(and i know lots of the reasons why -- children, work, it's awkward, whatever, etc. -- but it doesn't really make it hurt any less, not on a weekend that initially felt so hopeful.)


now for the good news:

i'm going to avignon.

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