i need a nap
22.07.19 | 3:15 pm

i'm sleeping a bit irregularly. waking at odd hours (2am, 3am), unable to fall back to sleep for two or three more hours, then sleeping in quite late (well, 9am). last night i had a dream i was going to be chased or attacked by a bear.

and then i dreamt about you.

it's so odd to me how i was so utterly convinced that we could, or would, truly mean something to each other. what was i going on? feeling? that thing which cannot really be trusted? there was little, very little, evidence that you ever actually felt the same way. but for some reason, i believed it to be true.

i imagined that one day we would have a conversation, drinking wine, your hand in my hair, where we discussed where this could have gone. where we wished we'd have been up front with each other from the very beginning. where i would truthfully tell you, "you always made me nervous, and i kept trying to figure out why." (remember how my knees shook while we were in your car?) where you realized what you "lost."

it's like i wrote elsewhere: i just always ache for a story.

none of that is going to happen. i doubt you'll text me again, and then i'll go to france, you'll go to back to michigan, and we'll literally never see or talk to each other again. that's the way i know this will be.

no confession of any kind... because there's never been anything for you to confess.

i just always ache for a story.


this isn't what i came here to write about. i wanted to write about how i'm trying to improve my french, how my body is so tired this week, how i may go back to deleting the text messages of people i don't regularly interact with anymore but how that also strikes fear into my chest now (whereas it used to be commonplace for me).

i could've written about how three friends visited me the other day and we spent the day in the sun, swimming in the pool, eating mexican food, and when they left, i felt so completely and utterly content, having spent time with people i love without the fatigue from driving.

i could've written about how i had the most perfect sunday yesterday: reading the end of the affair (highly recommend), eating delicious food i cooked, cleaning up after myself without a word from anyone else, lying in my bed without worrying about anyone coming downstairs. i felt so refreshed.

i need to document more of the good things.

my life is truly full of them.

and they are much more important than having a story.

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