i leave in like 5 weeks
09.08.19 | 2:14 pm

this summer has truly been the first point in my life where i have felt content being "alone." (i don't like that, calling it "alone," because that is certainly not what i am -- i am literally surrounded by people who want me around. but alas, let's go with it.)

it may be silly, but i got the app "the pattern" which tells you a bunch of stuff based on your astrological chart. both that and "costar" have been repeatedly telling me the same thing for months: that now is not the time for me to focus on any kind of romantic love.

silly or not, it has given me peace.

it has given me to ability to truly focus on my friends and family, and the ability to turn down people and experiences that aren't going to give me any satisfaction.

that app also told me that it's very likely my "real" relationships will come later in life. and i can see the truth in that.

sometimes i'm amazed that i had anyone put up with me for so long. i fought matt so hard on so many different things just to assert my independence, just to remind him that i didn't need him, and in doing so, i hurt him in so many unnecessary ways. (as an aside: i just realized that i do this exact same thing to my parents. ugh.)

however, i do long for a partner. someone who is extremely passionate and ambitious about the things he loves. someone who is dedicated to the idea of a family. someone who will still let me run away when i desperately need to.

but it's not something i need right now.

and it's not something that i have space for, in my head or my heart.

and when i really do commit, i commit hard. (that's probably what scares me so much initially.)


i wrote all of that yesterday afternoon.

last night i drank quite a bit of wine and, for some reason, went on a sleuthing search to find the fbs of mish (the married guy who didn't tell me he was married) and his wife.

she is way too good for him. she's a legitimate scientist at a cancer center, for christ's sake.

the only pictures available were from their wedding in texas in 2017 (although they were married a year or two before that overseas if what he told me was true). he looked awful, to be honest.

that was an interesting find.

it doesn't change anything. doesn't change the "connection," doesn't change the fact that he's a dick. i don't know.


i feel like i had more to say, maybe, but i can't quite remember now.

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