another night in the early hours
20.10.19 | 1:47 am

if javier wanted to take me by the hand and show me how to salsa dance while counting uno, dos, tres, quatro every night, i wouldn’t be mad about it.

i like the feeling of someone’s arms around me in this way, guiding me through what i’m doing. in an odd way it makes me feel safer. i don’t have to have it all figured out because he will walk me through it.

i just love having *new friends* again. it’s this odd sensation of being immediately accepted, something i haven’t experienced since grad school. we can go out together one, two, three times a week; we can eat lunch together when we work; we can message each other in the group chat. it’s so comforting.

thursday night, we went out together to see a jam session at a jazz club. we drank 2€ glasses of wine and sat together on the benches, talking in french, english, some spanish and some italian.

i like feeling people’s legs pressed against mine, i like when people feel comfortable enough to put their hands on your shoulders as they talk.

afterward, we wandered the streets looking for food. and as we were near my apartment, i offered to let us eat inside.

so the four of us — angela, javier, chris, and i— sat either on the couch or on the stairs and we ate our kebabs while they fawned over emma. i fed them all american candy (reese’s, warheads) and felt so at peace.

i am in this brand new place but i still have a community. and it feels safe and warm.

to be honest though, i think i’m making some bad choices. (mostly in regards to dating.) i need to take my time. there is no need to rush, no need to match and meet so many people. perhaps if i can take a breath, i will relax.

i wish i had more of a talent for meeting people in person. for putting myself out there.

i wish it were as easy as finding a new group like my new friends.

i still long for someone i actually like, someone i can be excited about. i find myself kindly passing on all the men who tell me they don’t want anything serious, even though i’m only here until may.

these feelings ebb and flow. should i be proud of myself or disappointed?

more than anything i wish i could go through life not thinking about it.

but the feeling remains: the desire to be wanted, the desire to know someone fully again.

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