29.10.19 | 8:59 pm

fall has been taking so long to begin here.

last week, finally, it rained -- not a gentle rain, a sprinkle really, like i experienced before, but a torrential, cold rain, that soaked through two different jackets of mine and my brand new chelsea boots as erin and i laughed and tried to walk the fifteen minutes back to my apartment.

today, again, it was 75 degrees, and i wore a dress and tennis shoes and nothing else. the sun beamed down so happily.

i can see why people vacation here, the south of france. the weather, 95% of the time, is perfect, and it really does impact your mood, the way you look at your life. the sun gives you license to hope a little harder, to get out a little longer, to trust that things will improve.


matt and erin left from their 10-day france vacation yesterday. together, we explored marseille and lyon, the latter being the most beautiful french city i've seen so far.

perhaps that's due to the fact that you have to work for the beauty -- you have to climb the giant hill, the millions of stairs to get to the basilica, from which you can see the entirety of the city with its beautifully colored buildings and old churches and bridges crossing two different rivers.

it's so lovely how easy it is to fall back into the same grooves with old friends. it gives me such comfort, being so far away, that even when i return (if i decide to return in may, in 2021, in five years more), things can pick up, can continue based on our shared histories, even if we aren't exactly the same.


language learning continues to be... interesting. i understand that i can get around in french, that i can do everything i need to, and that i can have conversations, and what have you -- but people (american and french alike) seem to think that i am better than i actually am. it's a weird space to be in, people expecting you to be able to do more than you're currently capable of, but that you want to reach.

and it is such a let down when you begin an exchange in french and the other person hears your accent, recognizes the trouble you're having, and switches to english to help you.

but i will keep working.

i will keep practicing.

this is a lifelong process. and i will continue learning.


when you have friends in town, you finally have other people to take your picture. and my friends took some absolutely gorgeous pictures of me.

but it feels like a lie every time i post a flattering picture of myself.

it's like i think i have to post the ugliest photos, the ones displaying -- no, highlighting -- my double chin, the way my nose slopes on the right side of my face, the acne scar that i got this summer, just to feel as though i'm being truthful.

the pictures taken from my good side? when my hair is perfectly curled? when my dress is flattering?

surely those aren't representing an accurate version of myself.


i'm not sure where i'm going with this. it's something i should continue to think more deeply about, perhaps.


i am tired of dating apps.


i would like to meet someone walking down one of my tiny french streets who tells me (like everyone tells me) that my dog looks just like milou, that she is so cute, can he pet her?

i would like to meet someone salsa dancing, who asks me to dance, puts their arms around me, leads me around the dance floor as i fumble to step in time.

i would like to meet someone at the grocery store who wants the same hazelnut chocolate covered cookies as i do.

something, anything more real than this.

more real than me explaining, again, that no, i don't want you to just come over to just have sex.

more real than me explaining, again, that no, i don't feel like having you come over tonight, because i understand what that means.

more real than me explaining, again, that i said no, god damn it, why can't you understand that?


today was a real come down, of sorts. but i finally bought new boots and i finished my book and i walked my dog for over an hour in the beautiful sunshine.

you can't win 'em all, but you sure can win a lot if you think about it.

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