08.11.19 | 12:52 am

how many times have i seen you now? six, seven, eight?

you’ve become more tender in the way that you touch me. when i came into your apartment tonight, you put your hands on my hips to turn me toward you, to kiss me.

you walk me home. you kiss me goodnight.

and it’s lovely.

but inside, i feel that fear rising up. i think, i’m not here for very long, there’s no sense in this. i think, there are so many other people here. i think, what would everyone else think? would i have approval? would you? that fear is rising up, and i’m not sure where to put it, what to do with it.

yesterday, angela and i went to the gym together. we took a spin class and then spent an hour trying all the machines.

and today, we went together to carpentras so she could pick up her brand new car. it rained on us and we shared my umbrella, and she said, “i’ll remember this for all my days, when i picked up my car here with my american friend.”

tomorrow, we’re going with friends to a concert in orange, and saturday, we’re all having a dinner together. i’m making sweet tea and biscuits. on monday (the holiday), we may take a day trip to aix-en-provence.

i feel so lucky here.

i feel so lucky to have found these lovely, lovely people, to see them so many times a week, to feel so connected so quickly.

i worried so much that i would be isolated. that i wouldn’t make friends. but no —

i have fallen so quickly into this community and it feels so right.

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