fete des lumieres
08.12.19 | 8:11 pm

as we were walking back, you said, "i don't know why you think that i think you're a loser" [i will interject here that the language difference is what led to the word "loser" which felt stronger than what he meant] "because i don't."

and it didn't hit me until just then, but he was right -- i do think that, more or less, that i am the least interesting person here, the least accomplished [completely untrue, this one i know], the worst at french [completely true].

why do i let any of that get in the way?

olivia, to me, last night: "tiaaaaa, why are you speaking english here right now?"

okay, fair enough, but the real answer was because people began speaking to me in english.

so i drank more wine and talked completely in french - it's almost like i have something to prove? and that's not a mode i like in myself.

i know i can do it. i know, depending on the context and the vocabulary and the speed, i can generally understand, and i know i can respond.

like the other night, sitting at the bar with angela, when she suddenly switched the french to talk about her thesis about education -- i can talk about education all day, and i can do it in french or in english, so i followed the conversation perfectly and added insights and asked questions.

but it's not always like that.

so i bought two french grammar books today, that should be here this week.

and i'm going to keep listening to podcasts and watching youtube videos and trying to speak in french.

it's not like i'm not trying.

but i have to try harder.

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