brittany runs a marriage story
11.12.19 | 9:38 pm

i am home with emma tonight because of the rain (and i'm a little sad i can't go to montpellier this weekend with literally everyone else), but i took advantage (?) of the time and i watched both brittany runs a marathon and marriage story and cried a lot during both.

my hair is straight today. i only blow dried it, and it's mostly straight, except for some curly bits because of the rain.

i found more hair growth. before i left for france, my mom cut my hair and commented on all of the new hairs ("they're not just broken off?" i asked) ("no, they're definitely new," she said). and today, i found more, on the bottom, growing slowly but steadily.

it's growing slowly but steadily.

i don't have a scale.

i have no way to track what i weigh. no way to find out.

in a sense, it's liberating.

but last week, my jeans were a little tighter than normal, and i didn't know why -- i thought, oh no, this is the beginning, this is when i begin gaining weight, eating only ramen and eggs because i'm poor, and this is when i become more disgusting (*none of this do i believe about other people*) etc. etc.

it was my period, for the record. the jeans are loose again now.

also: why don't i understand my body better? i am almost 30. shouldn't i know by now? what my body does and when?

i have days where i detest how i look in the mirror.

but most days i like the roundness of my shape. (i actually do -- that isn't a lie -- why do i feel like i have to prove that fact?) i like how i look wearing specific things, and i can see why some people may find me attractive (barring my accent).

and i like when men aren't afraid to put their arms, their hands on the softest parts of me -- for a long time, i thought it would be disgusting to them. but it's not.

we're all just people.

and it really is all about what's inside.

do i feel different? i think i feel different.

when i thought about myself in france, i imagined myself like this: sitting in a chair, my legs extended to another chair, sitting up straight, my hair wavy, and long, holding a glass of wine and smiling. i imagined a picture of me doing exactly that. i don't know what.

i've spent so much time being upset by or at my hair, but here, it's... better. sometimes i go three days before i wash it. (it doesn't look good, it's in braids, but i still go on dates like that because who cares?)

for a long time -- and now, still -- i generally don't like pictures of myself with my hair pulled back. you can see the recent red acne scar (i got this past spring), you can see my double chin, you can see my ears poking out like car doors left open.

but some pictures. some. i appreciate.

and i looked through some pictures the other day and i thought, my grandchildren could look through these one day and think, "wow, our grandmother was actually pretty."

i don't know what to make of that, honestly. maybe i won't even have kids, maybe i'll just travel and be alone forever because as cliche as it is, it's actually quite scary to be vulnerable with anyone anymore, even after last night with vincent, my feelings are slightly hurt because he hasn't texted today, and because i think i know it's actually not serious? and i don't want it to be serious because he's not someone i actually want. i probably want this fucking phd documentary film studies guy who was working at burger king for fuck's sake. he has a stupid meme from daria in his pictures but also he looks homeless. i don't know.

i don't really know what i'm talking about.

this is all fueled by wine and tears from the movies, tears that i knew i needed to shed tonight, all pent up and needing somewhere to go.

i'm going to spend christmas alone, so i'm trying to plan a fun way to do it -- i don't know. we have been listening to christmas songs all week in my classes and today it suddenly made me so, so, so sad. so sad.

it's hard for me to make christmas feel "real" without other people around to celebrate with.

okay, stay with me here, this is so stupid but --

i just browsed the french version of amazon prime and i saw twilight, and i fucking remember that at 19 years old, twilight was the first thing that made me *realize* eric was a fucking horrible person. TWILIGHT of all things!

i had a dream about him recently where he was like, getting married to someone else but talking to me. i. don't. even. know.

in college i had a writing teacher who told me to go through my stories and slash out half of the use of "i" -- and i still think about that while writing in my own god damn diary.

honestly what is this wine-fueled entry even

i think alberto -- tito -- is a safe person. but he's a gemini so who knows. but i feel it. we went out for rose wine the other day just us two and we saw a couple who definitely fucked in the bathroom and continued to make out just in the damn bar like, come on france, get a grip.

also my new favorite emoji is the sunglasses emoji.

also also there are so many babies in my instagram feed what is my life, like i know i'm almost thirty but daaaaaaamn ya know?

let's end on a happy note. my parents bought their tickets for two weeks in europe (their first time) and they keep periodically sending me messages about places they'd like to go and it's nice.

it's honestly really nice.

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