i sound like a teenager wow
07.01.20 | 10:06 am

i wake up with this heaviness already in my chest, on my shoulders. pulling me down.

where has this come from? why has it been here for weeks?

i have to get out of my own head.

everything is not good enough.

i feel guilty for not running with emma every day (i am still sick, but regardless). i feel guilty for not walking her at least two hours every day. i feel guilty wasting time inside when the weather is nice. i feel guilty for not improving my language skills quickly enough. i feel guilty for feeling nervous to talk in french sometimes. i feel guilty for wanting my life to play out like a movie. i feel guilty for wanting someone to find me charming and cute and pursue me. i feel guilty for thinking i should be skinnier. i feel guilty for worrying about my friends and family seeing me, expecting me to be skinnier, and then being disappointed that i'm not (?). i feel guilty for not putting myself out into the world more. i feel guilty for not constantly listening to podcasts in french, watching shows or movies in french, reading in french.

i really feel guilty for expecting more from this. from myself? i am still so happy to be here, but the reality (of course) doesn't match up with the expectation (of course). did i expect to come here and fall in love with someone, when i know i'm only here for a limited time so why would anyone even bother to begin with?.

there is someone still talking to me from one of the apps and he basically went into this long-winded explanation of oh, you're not here that long, i guess you're only here for sex, here are fifteen hundred different ways we could do this.

but i don't want to do that. i don't ever want it to happen like that. and it was so, so, so disheartening. it's basically like being told: this is actually all you're good for while you're here. there is no reason for anyone to take you seriously. i don't ever enjoy going out purely for sex. it's not fun. it's not enjoyable at all for me. i like to meet people, get to know people.

why am i not good enough?

i can't keep walking around with this energy. it's literally weighing me down.

i'm so tired. why am i so tired?

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