this is me ranting about how i'ma be alone forever mostly
17.01.20 | 1:11 pm

january is usually a difficult month for me. i need more sunshine, i tend to drink more wine than i should, and i just want to crawl into a blanket and sleep.

tonight i'm going to lisa's house for raclette (my first time!) and i'm nervous (there will be other friends invited, who probably only speak french) but excited.

but i'm just tired today. i'm not doing my habits, i'm going to bed too late and sleeping too late, it feels like i'm wasting so much time and not focusing on what i should be focusing on.


this is so embarrassing and i hate that i'm like this, but after encounters like that, i always spin out. even though the first few days i'm totally fine, after a week, stupid thoughts creep into my brain and i can't get them out. and it's mostly good, now, it's mostly gone. but i hate it so much that i do this. the story is over - the story was one night - and that is fine.

i am going to get all of these feelings out, the feelings that i hate having and that make me feel desperate and horrible and awful and what have you.

i really wish it were easier for me to meet people in person. that's what i hooked onto from the last encounter -- it was in person, it was not planned, it just happened, he wasn't what i would normally be looking for, but we had a really good time together. i want more of that.

i also wish i could keep myself from inevitably, at some point, feeling guilty for doing things like that. this is an internalized thing that i am still working through. i know that i am allowed to do what i want, and if i want to have sex just to have sex, that is okay, but deep down inside, there is still a voice telling me that i'm a horrible person (cue long string of not so nice names here) for it.

after talking to angela about how i mostly used tinder/happn to practice my french (which is actually true) and how i felt my language skills slipping after i deleted them (still true), she convinced me to turn them back on.

but it's such a bust. i'm so tired.

even through my two weeks without the apps, i felt so restless and so ... lost? i don't know. i struggle with the idea that i don't have the option to find someone.

this is all SO stupid and i hate it SO MUCH. this is a part of myself that i DESPISE.

nicolas (who i've been talking to for like a month) said something about getting a drink this weekend but hasn't followed through to make an actual plan so it probably won't happen because i'm just too tired to do it. i asked omar finally if he wanted to hang out again and he said he did, but january is crazy because he has lots of exams etc etc etc etc etc so i just said okay it's cool dude no worries just lemme know if you want to after all this business. so that prolly won't happen either.

and all of this is OKAY.

but i hate it.


rant over.

i'm going to go do something productive.

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