this is a very bad weekend
19.01.20 | 3:30 pm

for the past week, every day, the thought has crossed my mind: i want to go home.

a few shitty things that have happened this week:

-last night, javier told me i have to talk in french or i will offend everyone. this is because i was talking in english to angela. however, the only reason i was talking in english to angela is because she is the one who started talking to me in english. a few things here: 1. i don't need javier to police/babysit my language usage. 2. all of these people are the ones who talk to me in english first and then act like it's my fault i'm talking in english. 3. olivia has done this too, and last night she told me, "we can talk in english," and i was the one who said that no, we are going to talk in french. this is so, so, so frustrating for me because it feels like no matter what i do, i'm getting it wrong, and nothing is consistent.

-last night, there were way too many people in the bar, literally someone was touching you the whole time no matter where you were. for some reason, i was feeling really nervous before going, and this didn't help. it just heightened my anxiety and i felt uncomfortable and then my feelings were hurt.

-the bartender was mean to me. you had to get a card at this bar and you needed to register your name on it and he got frustrated that my name isn't french even though i spelled it and once he gave me the card he said (in french) "go! go on! go on!" like i was somehow in everyone's way.

-today, some old guy outside of my building (could be the building owner for all i know) stopped me to ask if i lived in x apartment (i said yes) and then proceeded to tell me that my dog barks all of the time in the afternoon. which is great. i literally just got back into the apartment and laid on the couch because now i have to figure this out, too, and i didn't understand 100% of what he said because my french isn't perfect, and i probably looked like i was going to cry or puke or something because at the end i think he tried to be nice but i don't care.

-culturally the french are a lot more willing to point out mistakes and criticize and this is very not good for me. there is a time and a place for your grammar, for example, to be corrected, and it is not while i'm actually on a roll telling a story. but apparently to the french, the time to be corrected is every single time you make a mistake. so.

-i wish farid had never even talked to me again because my feelings are just hurt. did i even talk about this? how he messaged me, and i was like oh do you have a canadian girlfriend now? and he said "no i'm waiting for you." well he actually said "i'm waiting you" which is a reasonable error considering how it directly translates into french. anyway we had a good conversation one night and now when i message him i feel like i'm reaching out to someone who doesn't give a fuuuuck. because he doesn't. obviously.

-actually i really hate feeling like most of the guys here don't give a fuuuuck about me. i have one draw: i am american and some people think that's cool and they wanna practice their english or, really, just fuck an american girl. fine. okay. whatever. i've only slept with three people since i've been here but that was literally the biggest draw for all three of them. well, convenience for the last one played a big part too, i think. "you're so different from french girls." ugh. i really liked omar, for some reason, but that's not gonna play out. nicolas is never going to actually see me. this is all okay, logically, but emotionally, i'm going to die alone.

-i've been drinking too much wine, probably.

-i screwed stuff up with the caf (which gives me money for housing, very important). they called me this week and i think they said that i had everything turned in... but i am not 100% certain because she talked so fast and sometimes i get so caught up that i just say "uh huh" and move on.

-i've been watching the new season of sex education. the last time i watched it was the last day i fucked fernando, so that's weirdly in my head. i hadn't thought about him in quite a long time. and i briefly wondered if he ever tried to text me again (having a new number and all, i'll never know). well i do know. the answer is no. oh, wow, actually the answer is really no - i just creeped on his facebook and he's in a relationship. with one of the girls who was my roommate at gsp. this is an incredibly strange coincidence that weirdly feels very, very, very bad.

this all boils down to everything feeling like... no matter what i do, nothing will ever be good enough.


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