i'm tired of this taking up space in my brain
26.01.20 | 11:34 am

here is what i will do.

i will write about this one more time and then i will shut it off in my brain. and it will be over. and i will no longer entertain a story that has no true basis in reality.


last night, i went to the bar down the street with angela and tito. we stood outside with the overflow of people, finding who we thought was cute (for me, always someone with dark hair, glasses, and a beard) and explaining why.

when we decided to squeeze our way inside for drinks, it was hugo and a girl who came up behind us. again, we smiled, said, "salut, ├ža va?" as we have before. tito ordered a beer for himself and a glass of wine for me. we settled ourselves at a table in the corner.

each time i caught you looking at me, each time i saw your head turn to my direction out of the corner of my eye, i created more tension in the elaborate (completely untrue) story in my head (that doesn't actually exist): you do like me, but you can't see me again because of the drama that it would cause with vincent and the rest of your friends.

it's a stupid narrative from a stupid movie i wouldn't enjoy watching.

it just gives me a sense of excitement, of tension, of adventure. something my brain feels i lack. something my brain feels i need.

and then i watched you leave with the (very cute) girl you came with.

i enjoyed the rest of the night with my friends. tito stole his beer glass when we walked down the street to my apartment. i fed them marshmallows, biscottes, peanut butter, and sour candy.

and when they left, i invited alex over.


alex was sweeter than i imagined. soft-spoken with a shy smile. a tattoo artist in town, who did all of the tattoos on his own body.

he was in no hurry.

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