i am drinking wine and WALLOWING, hello
08.02.20 | 9:46 pm
because of a screw up by the phone company, my american phone number was given away. something i took the steps to make sure i kept, paid for, etc. whatever. and now it's gone. the number i had for half of my life. i won't be able to get it back.
i know it's some dumb nostalgia thing but god damn.
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before i start to feel sorry for myself (because get ready, i'm about to), i will tell this story.
last semester, i worked with the sweetest bunch of middle schoolers. i adored them. and this semester, it turns out, i get to work with them again (a month late). so yesterday was my first day back with them.
i was 1-2 minutes late (i have to walk from the high school to get there between classes), and when i walked in the door, the students shouted, "we love you, tia!" and it was the sweetest, most heart-warming thing to ever happen to me.
my goodness.
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i allow so many people to take up space in my brain. and so much space.
and it's become a pattern that the people i allow to take up that space? i don't occupy any space in theirs.
our moments together? little more than a fling, some simple memory that will soon be forgotten.
i want so badly to mean something to every person i touch.
but i don't. and i set myself up for these situations where i don't. over and over and over again.
and i get so attached to the story, the idea of this narrative where, actually, they are probably pining over me, and if i just reach out, or if they just reach out, we will reconcile, be together, live happily ever after.
and it's just not how life works.
and i know that.
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when i walk around, when i'm near the bar, i hope that you see me. you're the only person that i ever see in real life unexpectedly, and i haven't seen you now in a week.
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i wanted to write something like, oh wow, no one is ever going to love me because no one wants to love someone who goes all over the place and doesn't sit still, etc. etc., but really what i think it is is this: i just don't think i'd ever let someone. i think maybe that part of me is just... gone now.
this is all such bullshit.
i've been single, and actively dating, for two and a half years. the world is a dumpster fire full of dumpster people.
i don't actually believe that. i believe the opposite, really.
i am really sitting here basically crying about this phone number. mostly because of the fact that i did everything i was supposed to do and now it's still just... gone.
everything is so stupid.
my birthday is next week, and i am going to spend it alone. like actually alone. just like christmas.
i hate that hugo is still in my brain and i hate that i imagine having stupid french conversations with him where he would want to actually be my friend. everyone has enough friends. and he's twenty-four, which is a stupid age. and he's a scorpio, which is fine actually, but also not super compatible. and i hate that my next thought is: he is my friend on fb, so maybe he will see it's my birthday next week and tell me happy birthday. someone please come get all of this out of my head.
and alex has totally ghosted me, which i find rude after you've seen the person naked two separate times. but whatever. that's fine too.
everyone is exhausting.
i am tired of just being a short opportunity.
i just want a stupid boyfriend jfc.