nearly thirty
12.02.20 | 9:00 pm
i don’t want to be alone.
but i also don’t want to be with either of them.
—
it is 9:04pm and i am already in bed, exhausted.
a week or so ago, i told my mom on the phone, “i am really proud of myself because for the past year, i got everyone in our immediate family birthday presents. but i don’t think anyone else will think to get me anything.” i followed this up by saying that she had better not tell anyone i said that.
and then i braced for the disappointment i knew was coming, or the anger i would feel for my mom once she told everyone, the embarrassment that would cause me.
then yesterday, i received some caramel chocolate in the mail and a note from my sister-in-law who visited me for her thirtieth birthday, which we spent in paris. and it said that she hopes my birthday is amazing, and that gifts from everyone are coming all week.
and i nearly started crying because i was so happy.
i know that my mom said something to them. but it doesn’t matter.
it’s a good reminder that sometimes, you have to tell people what you want and what you need. receiving these gifts is truly softening the blow of being here alone for my thirtieth birthday.
when i received the next three gifts today, i did cry because they were so sweet and i actually felt appreciated and loved.
i am thankful for these people i have.
i am so thankful i said something.
—
i wanted to plan something really nice for myself for tomorrow, but i’ve been so overrun with stress that i haven’t.
here is what i know i will do:
-walk emma for at least an hour
-do yoga
-go to the american candy store and buy myself whatever i want
-take a shower and get ready and wear things that make me feel very cute
-eat lunch or dinner somewhere nice that i haven’t tried yet
-have a drink at the bar down the street and read my book in one of the comfy chairs
otherwise... i am not sure.
maybe i put too much of an emphasis on birthdays, but it always feels so important to me. and it’s such a nice little chance to show someone that you care. that’s all.
—
i was reminded today of the way you kept telling me, “i like you,” over and over again, through your thick french accent. i was reminded of how, when you walked in, i felt immediately drawn to you. i was reminded of the slight, swift touch of my leg, and how much i wanted you to touch me again.
but i have to recognize the reality versus the story in my head.