27.02.20 | 12:29 pm

my heart and my brain and my body are all tired.

it is still the constant barrage (from myself):

not enough not enough not enough


last night, angela and tito and i sat in a cafe and i searched for their astrological charts and explained them and later, we came to my apartment and i sat in the floor with my new tarot cards and i read their tarot about their upcoming future.

and this is all i want.

people, near me. in my apartment. eating and drinking and laughing with me. talking in french and in english, feeling at ease, offering snacks and dinner and water and wine.

sometimes i question why i even ache for more.


the past two days, almost every interaction with a stranger has immediately defaulted to: do you speak french? you speak english, right?

it is... discouraging.

still, even though i practice, even though i try, i am so far away from the level i'd like to be.


nicolas got the job in cannes. i hope when he comes here to see his parents that i can take him out for a celebratory drink.

"i got the job!!" he sent me. "i'm literally jumping up and down in my apartment right now."

he had talked about coming to the usa this summer and i offered to take him around kentucky and tennessee, which he was excited about. not sure if that will be able to happen now, but we'll see.


my heart is tired. alex who ghosted me tried to contact me again, david takes forever to respond, sebastien still hasn't gotten around to asking me out (which is fine, i don't think i even want to)...

i don't want any of these people.

i think for now i don't want anyone.

just myself. my dog. my friends.


i took a picture this morning of the sky, completely purple and pink. it literally stopped me in my tracks. the picture doesn't do it justice, but i have so many of them -- from different days, different times.

it's so beautiful here.

i'm still thankful.

<< | >>