forty-five days
16.03.20 | 5:47 pm

my brain is frequently tired. reading news online, constantly in touch with friends all over the world, freaking out when others are freaking out, discussing how crazy this all feels.

i have moments of laughter, of strength, of making lists about what i can accomplish during this time alone.

and then the smallest things make me stop and cry.


i can tell that during this time, the highs are going to be high but the lows are going to be very, very low.

yesterday, i told you that silly fact about how if you live in switzerland, it's against the law to own only one guinea pig because they're social animals.

today, i told you that i'm afraid i won't do very well cooped up alone in my apartment for forty-five days. i'm a social creature.

"like the guinea pig," you said.

"yes. i am, essentially, a guinea pig."


i have to ask myself -- honestly, not disparagingly -- what did i expect here?

i don't like how quickly my feelings can change and evolve. i didn't miss this part, not really, this constant wondering, this longing when they aren't talking to you, this desperation when there's a lull in the conversation and you want it to keep going.

there is nothing to expect here.

and even more, it's not the time to be worrying about it, either. there are more pressing matters at hand. silly crushes, silly one-sided crushes can take a back seat, for goodness' sake.

and even if there were, actually, something here...

i'm tired just thinking about it.

just get out of my head. maybe in forty-five days i can look again and readjust where i stand.

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