most ardently
24.03.20 | 1:30 pm

last night, i watched pride and prejudice (2005) for the first time. i hadn’t seen the movies and i had tried to read the book a few times to no avail. but truly: what a love story.

“you have bewitched me, body and soul.”
“you must allow me to tell you how ardently i admire and love you.”

no wonder everyone loves this book so much!

we talked briefly about writing letters, about these kinds of old-fashioned romances.

it’s okay that you’ve pulled away. that you don’t text me early in the morning, send me pictures of your muffin break, ask me questions and make conversation consistently throughout the day.

i feel that i’m too much, that i’m being too much. so i can settle down, too.

because i think if someone actually felt something for me, i’d know. it wouldn’t be a guessing game. i’d know.

so i’m going to read little women today, keep myself from thinking about you, and relax.

you’ll never write me one of the letters you talked about. and that’s okay.

i want to note a very particular part of the dream i had last night:

a man (we had apparently been talking for a while but it wasn’t clear if we loved each other) sat across from me and he said, “you can tell me.” and he asked me to rest my head in the crook of his neck, and he did the same to me. and it felt safe, and so, so tender.

the rest of the dream was upsetting. but that? that was lovely.

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