stuff about bodies and what have you
12.04.20 | 7:17 pm

i have pulled out my shorts from last year and they keep falling off.

i haven’t been able to keep track of my body here in the ways i normally would, namely weighing myself. i don’t have a scale.

but i’ve known my body has changed — a little. nothing drastic. but something.

especially now, in confinement. i’m running every other day, usually a 5K. i’m doing yoga every day. on the days i don’t run, i do strength exercises here at home.

but i am equally eating more than i should be. i just finished half a medium domino’s pizza (literally no shame in that, it was so fucking good and it tasted just like home, i’m so happy).

and now i feel the need to say how many vegetables i also ate today — isn’t that silly?

i find talking about my body gets harder as i get older. i fear the changes my body goes through — the natural changes, the ebbs and flows. i fear saying something like “i’m doing this, i’m making a change, i’m committing myself” and then failing.

and i find that so much of how i feel about my body comes from what i see. and in certain yoga poses, and when i’m running, i see and feel the muscles, i feel so proud, i feel so good about myself.

but if i’m just sitting here as i am now, watching the circle: france, i can see everything that’s “wrong” with my body.

and i can see why others would have a problem with it.

but is that even true? i may not have a love interest, but i garner plenty of interest. i don’t even know what i’m saying.

i’m a little tipsy, so this isn’t as coherent as i want it to be. i think i’ll visit this idea again later. but also maybe i won’t, who knows.

but i’m tired of thinking my body is the reason someone wouldn’t want me. i’m too old for all this. let’s all move on now.

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