everything. i mean, not you
12.04.20 | 9:05 am

i struggle between two things:

-telling myself that i'm not an idiot, i didn't get all of it wrong, there were signs there and feelings that did exist


-looking back and thinking that i clearly blew everything out of proportion, nothing actually adds up the way i thought it did, and i am a ridiculous person


last night, we finally had another long conversation again. i think you must've been drunk. the wine was coursing through me but in a mild, dreamy way instead of my usual hyper, excited way.

you told me about the only other girl you met off of a dating app (besides me) because you were in a video call with her (which prompted you to text me and tell me how much you didn't want to be in the video call) and a bunch of other people you didn't know, including her twin.

"now i want to date the twin," you said.

this, after i told you about how alex was trying to sleep with me, how he wanted to send me a video of himself fucking another girl since i didn't come over to his.

"don't you think that guy was bluffing?" you said later. "like showing off?"

all this, after i told you about vincent who was always saying, "calme-toi."

"being an ass is not french," you said. "fuck. it's really bad." (wait, what exactly is bad?) "everything. i mean, not you."

all this, after i told you about how basically everyone so far has just been sucky.

"well, you're not sucky."

i truly do all of this to myself. it's my own fault -- the things i say, what i choose to focus on. none of this adds into what i would like for it to add into.

it adds up to friendship.

and that's all it needs to be.


eventually, i will feel so silly for writing any of this. any of it at all.

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