morning thoughts
18.04.20 | 9:45 am

i woke up this morning, threw my sheets in the wash, and went on a run before even eating anything. i took emma with me -- this is becoming a mistake. she's almost eight years old and she can't keep up like she used to. she slows me down and i feel bad about it. but we ran a mile and a half together, then i took her home, and i ran another mile on my own. i didn't feel good about this run, only 2.5 miles, after consistently running 5Ks lately, it feels like a failure of some sort. but it's not a failure. it's a success in its own way.

i'm operating right now as though someone would be coming over tonight. i'm washing clothes, specifically the sheets in my bed, the blankets on my couch. yesterday i swept, mopped, cleaned off surfaces, lit my candles.

i took a shower after my run, put on a dress i haven't worn in months (which fits better now than it did before), put on makeup. as though someone would be coming over. thinking about how i don't have any wine, how really i shouldn't buy any, but how i should always have some in case someone comes round.

but no one is coming round. i don't know what this fixation is in my brain today.

--

yesterday, i went to tito's apartment. he lives a three minute walk away from me, and i hadn't been around another human being in real life in at least a month. i took my shoes off in front of his door, immediately washed my hands, and he gave me a glass of wine. seeing him, seeing someone truly made the stress melt from my shoulders. i sank into his chair and we just talked for an hour and a half, until it got dark, until i got afraid the police might stop me if i stayed any later. it made us both feel like maybe like is still normal. but it's not.

--

i don't think my program will be renewed in the fall. i think it will be canceled. and then i will have to stay home in the usa, and i won't be able to come back here, and i will be devastated.

for multiple reasons.

--

i haven't talked to you in a couple of days because i'm tired of your half-responses or leaving me on read. and i feel more relaxed than i have in a while. i also turned any vibration or sound off for all of my notifications. no more wondering if that's my phone vibrating, if someone is trying to talk to me. just leisurely looking when i want to.

but i did make a list on my phone of stuff i want to tell you. when we do talk next time. which you will have to initiate. because i'm tired. so maybe it'll never happen. we'll see.

all of these things, i feel them so much more deeply than the other person does -- i know this. in reality, none of this would be a big deal. the space makes that clear to me. i just need to remember it. remember it.

--

i wrote all of that this morning. it's now after noon. i've done some teaching. i just finished my yoga.

and here, on my yoga mat, in the sunbeam streaming through my window, i feel so desirable. as though i am worth it. worth what? i don't know. but it's a good feeling.

it's a good reminder: this all changes, and it all changes so quickly.

this too shall pass.

it all shall.

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