it is now 9:55pm
20.04.20 | 3:26 pm

today, i think that spell has broken. my heart doesn't hurt if you don't respond in the way i hoped. i don't want it to be your name that pops up every time i look at my phone.

the realism of my situation has set in, finally.

my brain may ache tirelessly for an interesting story. but the reality is that, most of the time, that's not what life is. it's just a series of actions, connected or unconnected, being played out until the end.

i always knew this, of course. but when it finally hits, when it really hits, it hits hard, and it hurts.


i was watching an episode of seinfeld today (season 8, episode 2), which partially focuses on elaine confirming that she doesn't want to have a baby (and really, none of the characters do). for most of the episode, she was steadfast in this belief, and it got me thinking.

do i want a child, one day, eventually?

when i asked myself this initially, my response was this: i don't know, really. if i stay single, i would not, but maybe if i met someone who wanted to, i would.

this is probably a reasonable response.

but it started to mess with me.

i feel this way about a lot of things -- a lot of important things -- in my life. "i don't know, but maybe if i met someone ... i would decide."

i shouldn't be going through my life with such big decisions hanging in the balance, should i? just hinging them on the possibility of meeting someone, or not?

i should be the one deciding where i will eventually live, what i eventually want to teach, whether or not i eventually want to have kids. but i'm so... unsure. uncertain about all of it.

maybe that's okay. maybe it's not. but it sent my mind on a wild ride today.


i truly cannot tell you what day it is anymore.


i've had the song "sweet tooth" by cavetown playing constantly. it's cute. i recommend it.

"i like you. say it back."


today, i started doing the isolation journals. i did days one through three, and i physically wrote them down in the brown leather journal that i bought with the original intention of writing about my time here in france.

it was freeing to just set a timer for ten minutes and to free write about the prompt, anything that came to mind. it helped me work through some of this today.

so i'm hoping i can continue through it.

maybe i'll come out of this all with a little more clarity.

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