shame train
22.04.20 | 10:32 am

i am going to let myself feel the sadness today.

today's yoga video is supposed to be "forgiveness practice," but when she wanted me to hover my knees, to plank, i just laid on the mat and started crying.

i woke up with my headache that started last night. i didn't want to get out of bed (but i did). i didn't want to make breakfast (but i did). i didn't want to walk emma (but i did).

i am feeling so much shame.

shame for how i treat myself, my body, my mind, my soul.

shame for how i have reacted to others' minuscule actions, actions i find meaning behind where there is no meaning to be found.

shame for how i have approached any kind of love or relationship or interest in the past, and for how i continue to approach them now.

i am often so, so unkind to myself.

this experience hasn't turned out the way i'd hoped, the way my narrative-focused brain hoped, because i wanted a better story. and this is the root of so many mistakes i've made. doing something for a story instead of what i actually know i want or need.

i've been rereading old diary entries and realizing: in so many ways, i am still the same person i was three, five, seven, ten years ago. and i don't mean that in a good way.

this entire situation parallels my situation with matt.

a conversation i had last night parallels how a different situation started three years ago (one that i really don't want to repeat).

but i am so lonely, physically lonely right now. i ache for someone to sit on the couch with me, to watch tv with, to have a simple conversation with, in person, in my space. for someone to touch my arm, my hand.

i am stuck in a thought spiral of: i will be lonely and/or alone forever.

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