dream vs reality
26.04.20 | 12:08 pm

if this followed the narrative i've created in my head, then you'd message me today, after nearly a week of radio silence, and explain your absence. you'd say that you needed to take time away and have some space to come to the conclusion that you have feelings for me, and that you're admitting this to me even with the knowledge that there's nothing we can do about it. i'd take my opportunity to say the same to you. we'd figure something out. i don't know what.

but this is real life, not some narrative i've scripted to entertain myself. in reality, i have probably just been overbearing and you needed a break from that. regardless, it doesn't matter.

--

this quarantine makes me feel desperate in ways i'm ashamed of. i've redownloaded tinder twice, matched with some people, and deleted it again the next morning. i know i'm feeling starved for attention, and i can recognize that this isn't the healthy way to go about getting it.

several different boys from months past have started messaging me again (well, trying to) and attempting to convince me to come see them. in the middle of a pandemic. to which i simply say, "no."

i am tired of being seen as some kind of means to an end. i want somebody to want to see me for my company. i want to be able to see anyone else for any reason.

--

the pattern got me today, too:

-you're incredibly open when it comes to love - it's easy for you to be consumed. you have a tendency to idealize the people you're attracted to and put them on a pedestal, perceiving a dream instead of reality.

-for you more than others, it's important to really get to know the person you're interested in before getting too involved. often, once you're attached, it can be really hard for you to separate yourself.

-when you do meet someone who elicits this reaction, it can feel intoxicating and your need for them may become addictive and obsessive. and if you're not completely captivated, you might think something is lacking, lose interest, or feel disappointed.

--

it's going to be a sleepy sunday. i want to read and watch netflix and write some isolation journal entries and maybe even nap. it will be a good day.

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