01.05.20 | 9:55 pm

i don't exactly know how to explain it, and like not to be dramatic, but i feel kind of dead inside.

i watched all of never have i ever (fantastic show, would recommend), and truly sobbed during almost every episode. that says less about the show than it does about me (though, again, it's very good). i feel like i'm trying to purge myself of all my emotions.

i finished the show around 2pm this afternoon. after that, i essentially sat on the couch. stared at my phone. stared at the wall. turned something on netflix. stared at my phone. stared at the wall. eventually just laid down on the cold floor. felt nothing. felt nothing. felt nothing.

maybe it's actually a state of peace. of finally recognizing there's no interesting narrative arc coming around to spice things up. of finally realizing i just want to go home and let emma run around off leash and eat biscuits and gravy with my mom and watch jeopardy with my dad and brother. but what do i know.

emma has been acting really strangely for a month or so, and we're finally going to the vet tomorrow. she just seems constantly uncomfortable. i don't know what's wrong.

it feels like i've resigned myself to this new reality. i will never actually touch anyone again. no one will ever love me. i will be stuck here forever. alone. no one will ever .............................................

(it's not true. but it's how it feels, i guess.)

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