my jacket
03.05.20 | 3:45 pm

i pulled out an old jacket today that i hadn’t worn since october. it’s quite loose, where it had once been tight.

i know my body has been changing (slowly, slowly) — not in any major way, not it any real visible way (to me at least).

but when i notice these things, all i feel is fear.

fear of failure — what happens if people notice, and then i gain the weight back? how many will feel disappointed? what a shame, they’ll say.

i start to focus more on what i put in my body and how i use my body. i start to belittle myself for every cookie i eat, for every run i miss, for every coke i drink.

what happens if those clothes become tight again? what negative depth will my mind reach then?

i always like to think that i’m better than this. that these things don’t affect me anymore. but i’m always wrong.

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