an entry that is nicer to myself
06.05.20 | 10:43 am

i wrote an entry where i was really frustrated and really mad at myself, but i took a deep breath, and i deleted it.

i am feeling a lot of frustration, a lot of those feelings that make me want to curl up in a ball and never come out again.

my plane is going to be canceled in two days. it's highly likely that i will actually be here until the end of may in order to ensure that trains will actually be running and i can actually get to the airport.

this is not my plan.

but it is okay.

all of this has thrown everything up in the air. it's natural that i am frustrated, that when i wake up in the morning my belly is already nervous, that i'm jittery all day and trying to find relief in food or alcohol or exercise or completely shutting my mind off and watching reruns of shows i've watched a million times before.

i need to give myself more grace. stop hating myself for reacting poorly in a situation that none of us has really experienced before.

should i be more adult and stop letting my feelings get to me so much? yes, that would probably be helpful. but... it's okay.

i really, really just want to go home. i want to sit in the kitchen and talk to my mom. i want to watch jeopardy with my dad and brother. i want to let emma run around off leash. i want to see the rest of my family, meet my baby cousin who was born right after i arrived in france, see my sister-in-law's belly grow as her baby grows inside her. i want to see my friends again and share drinks and unhealthy food or go on hikes or runs or walks together.

i am struggling, and that's okay. most people are struggling. we are just doing the best we can.

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